Newsletters
Anger: Friend or Foe?
Josh Cordonnier, MSSW
Anger
is often the emotion most difficult to understand, to “manage,” and
most importantly, to control. It can take away our breath, start
our heart racing, and engage our defensive armor when someone says,
“I’m angry.” All too often this misunderstood and much disliked
feeling can wreak havoc on our minds, bodies and relationships --
especially when it is not handled openly and directly. There are
other feelings we tend to prefer like joy, pleasure, happiness, and
usually even sadness or fear are rated as preferable to anger. It
might even be said that anger has gotten a bad rap as we never send
people to “sadness management class,” or “happy control group,” but
there has been a growing trend toward classes, therapies, and
workshops on how to handle anger in one’s life.
I happen to disagree a bit with the
public opinion of this much maligned emotion of anger. In fact, I think
anger is a great emotion. I will concede that we still have much to
learn and it is easy to lose control of anger in many ways. With that
said, anger is a normal emotion, just like all the rest we
experience. Not only is it “normal,” it is important for a person to
know, experience, and be aware of their anger. Anger is often the first
alert we get from ourselves that something in our personal world is
going wrong, needs to change, or is otherwise not as it should be right
now. It can also give us the fuel, motivation, and drive to push
through difficult circumstances or to simply go beyond good intentions
and to put change into action.
Let's not
forget that this emotion I am heralding also has a destructive side.
Out of control anger can be acted out through cruel verbal exchanges,
frightening behaviors, and even physical violence. It can also be
“acted in” toward oneself which can lead to apathy, low self-esteem,
self destructive behaviors, and even depression. We’ve even added to
our vocabulary the many ‘types’ of anger we experience: Road Rage,
Ticked Off, Peeved, and many, many others.
I lead Anger Control Groups at In-Step which last
from 10-12 weeks. It is surprisingly easy to talk about the same
feeling in its various forms for all of these sessions, and the
topics range from personal “buttons” to sibling rivalry. One of the
first things I say to the kids is that I do not think they should
EVER get in trouble for feeling angry. This is usually met with
surprise and then excitement when I say I’ll be repeating the same
thing to their parents. Next we learn that we can get in
trouble for actions and behaviors we display when we
are not in control of our feelings which include anger. This is
where I focus the group: how to handle, control, and become the
master of our own anger. This is often a difficult task for the
kids who have joined the group, as frequently they’ve been out of
control for quite some time and the patterns have turned to habits
and the habits have been solidifying. I purposely do not call the
group “Anger Management,&; as I think this is too soft a term; to
manage implies directing or guiding something along its path. It’s
my belief we need to get completely in charge of our anger –
specifically, our anger related actions.
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The Role of Family Therapy in the
Treatment of Children and Adolescents with Learning
Disabilities
James A. Sebben, EdD,
LPC, LMFT, NBCCFourteen-year old Chris B. was
referred to the counseling center by his high school
counselor. Chris was receiving special education services
as a student with learning disabilities. He first became
eligible for these services when he was in the third
grade. He had learning problems in the areas of "visual-motor
integration", "written expression" and in
"planning and organization". With assistance
and accommodations, Chris was academically successful
throughout his elementary school years and into middle
school. However, in eighth grade his grades began to drop
and he started having authority problems both at home and
at school. There were more arguments and fights between
Chris and his younger brother, Jeb, who, two years
younger.Upon entry
into 9th grade Chris attended classes but frequently
failed to do his work in class and often did not turn in
his homework or avoided doing it altogether. He had a
special education teacher who worked with him in his more
difficult subject. He was also assigned to a "basic
skills class". Even with these supports his grades
deteriorated and behavioral problems at home increased.
Chris' parents attempted to set limits on him by
withdrawing privileges, taking away his stereo, Game Boy,
Nintendo, telephone and privileges such as staying
overnight at friends. As the parents escalated their
efforts to get Chris to comply, the more he resisted.
Home became a battleground and the level of tension was
affecting all concerned. In frustration, the parents
contacted the school counselor who, in turn, suggested
that individual counseling and/or family counseling might
be in order. The school felt it had done all that it
could to encourage Chris and to facilitate his being
academically successful. They suggested a need for
another form of intervention. Counseling with a family
therapist was recommended.
During the initial interview with the family and with
Chris individually, it became evident that there was an
enormous amount of tension and anger in the family. Mr.
and Mrs. B. expressed their frustration that they had
done all that they could to help Chris and were at a loss
as to what to do now. Chris, on the other hand, felt that
his parents were being intrusive and controlling. "If
you just left me alone, everything would be fine."
The above case history is certainly not an uncommon one,
but it is an example of a situation in which family
therapy can be of benefit to the individual child and to
the entire family. Chris' growing frustration with school
and learning was spilling over from the classroom and was
causing serious problems in his school performance as
well as on his interactions with his parents and brother.
Family therapy can provide a means of approaching these
problems in a non-threatening and caring way so that all
members of the family system can feel that their concerns
are being heard and each family member can participate in
problem solving. The most valuable aspect of family
therapy is removing the 'blame' label from any specific
member of the family and approaching the problems from a
family perspective.
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As with other disabilities, whether emotional, physical
or addictive, the presence of learning disabilities
affects the whole family. The child with learning
disabilities often concurrently has social and emotional
difficulties that affect school performance, peer
relationships and family relationships. For example,
often the challenge of homework becomes so enormous that
parent and child are embroiled in the "homework
fight" for two and three hours a night, if not more.
There is often yelling and screaming, tears of
frustration and anger between parent and child. What
positive aspects of family life are sacrificed in order
to 'get the homework done'? What are the other siblings
missing out on when parental focus is on the learning
disabled child? When do the parents get to 'relax' from a
hard day at work, from running to and from soccer fields,
dance classes, basketball practice, karate lessons, etc.?
What is the effect of this constant tension and stress on
parenting and on the marital relationship itself? What is
the effect of this stress on the child and how does it
show up in his or her behavior?
As seen in the case study, Chris, typical of teenagers,
has begun to 'pick his battles'. No longer is he willing
to be compliant and go along with what is expected of him.
Rather, years of frustration and hard work with
relatively little success when compared with his peers,
have taken their toll. The social aspects of school and
the normal challenges of adolescence take on much greater
importance and peer acceptance becomes critical. Academic
performance begins to take a back seat. How has having a
learning disability affected Chris's self-concept and
self-esteem? How do his peers relate to him? How do they
treat him? It is not uncommon for a teenager to talk
about how he or she felt 'pushed out' of the social
groups and how this made him or her feel angry, rejected
and disrespected. As children with disabilities enter
middle and high school, how are they treated by teachers
whom they may see once a day or every other day? Does the
child feel respected and accepted by the teacher? Does he
or she feel valued and respected by his or her parents?
Family therapy provides a means by which many of these
issues can be brought to the surface. Often parents are
unaware of how their child feels about his or her
learning disability and they are not even remotely aware
of the pain which their child feels. Similarly, the child
is often unaware of how his or her parents and siblings
feel about the effect that the child's disability has on
the family. Many of these issues come out during therapy
and family members can learn to deal with these many
factors. Also, family therapy can provide parents and
children with successful strategies rather than fighting
over homework, restriction, punishment, etc. The most
valuable effect of family therapy is its ability to
reinforce and strengthen family bonds. Family therapy can
draw the family closer together and so that family
members can recognize it as a strong and healthy body
that is able to effectively problem solve for all members
of the family unit.
Dr. Sebben is a
Licensed Professional Counselor and Marriage and Family
Therapist on the staff of In Step. He is a former special
education administrator with over twenty years of
experience in Special Education in Fairfax County,
Virginia. He earned his doctoral degree in Counseling
from Boston University. Dr. Sebben specializes in school
related adjustment problems and works with children,
adolescents and their families.
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In Step Celebrates 10 Years
Is it possible that In Step will be
celebrating its10th anniversary next year? It seems like
only yesterday that we opened our practice at 8320
Professional Hill Drive. There were just five of us. We
had a total of three offices in which to perform children’s
groups, parents’ groups, and individual and family
therapy. Since 1995, we have expanded from a single
office townhouse to three. Now, there are eighteen highly
competent, licensed clinical professionals offering a
wide range of services, and an equally dedicated
administrative staff of three.
With
growth comes change. In Step continues to work on
developing innovative services to meet the mental health
needs of our community. We have noticed over the years
that our children are becoming increasingly stressed. The
academic, social, and emotional demands on children are
great. Competitive academic expectations in the
Washington, DC area are very high. In an atmosphere of
terrorist threats and sniper attacks, our children are
struggling to manage their stress. Increasingly, children
are voicing their worries, either verbally or with their
behavior.
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Because
of these developments, In Step has developed several
group programs to help children and their parents cope
with stress. Helen Power, LCSW and Malinda Gray, LCSW
have adapted Phillip Kendall’s work with anxious
children to an 18-20 week cognitive-behavioral program of
their own. It has proven to be highly effective in
helping children cope with anxiety. Elisa Nebolsine, LCSW
has used YogaKids training to offer a Saturday group for
children who need to work on lowering
stress, using the mediums of both yoga and cognitive-behavioral
stress management techniques. Rho Silberglitt, LCSW
continues to offer her divorce and separation groups for
children who are coping with the stress of divorce. And
Keith Ewell, Ph.D. and Barbara Eckman, LCSW offer groups
for children who are struggling with extreme anger.
In
Step continues to offer public speaking services to the
community through our Speakers Bureau program. We do
workshops for parents as well as in-service training for
teachers and other professionals who work with children.
Some of the recent talks we have done at area schools are:
- Coping with Bullying
- Building Character in
Your Child
- Developing Self-Reliance
and Resiliency in Your Child
- Raising Your Student’s
Social IQ
- Anger Management at
Home
- Helping the Anxious
Child
- Raising A “Kindergarten-Ready”
Pre-Schooler
Cathi Cohen,
LCSW, GCP is the director of In Step. |
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Stressed
Beyond Belief
Cathi Cohen, LCSW, CGP
When I think back to my childhood,
it seems as if my life was so carefree back then compared
to my life now. As adults, we often feel weighed down by
stressful experiences and events. We can't help but think
that kids have it easier, but you know what? We're wrong!
The reality is that the
average child experiences stress on a regular basis. For
children who have trouble making and keeping friends,
school is expecially difficult. Strong, reassuring
friendships offer children a buffer against the typical
stress and expectations in a child's day. Play, after
all, is an extremely important way that a child releases
energy and works through daily conflicts. Without
supportive friendships, play during recess, exercise
during P.E., social time during free play and on the
school bus and extracurricular activities only adds
stress and social pressure. For others, these activities
offer wonderful opportunities to relieve stress.
Kids in Stepping Stones
groups have their own ideas of "stress makers"
which include:
- being overscheduled--not
enough "chill" time
- having homework that
is either too hard or too much
- feeling that parents'
expectations are unrealistic
- feeling left out at
school
- reacting to peer
pressure or teasing
The first step in helping
your child is determining that your child is, in fact,
experiencing stress. Look for certain behavioral clues,
and keep in mind your child's unique history and
personality. It's more important to notice any changes
in behavior than just the behavior itself. As
yourself the following questions to help you figure out
if your child is under stress:
- How long have
the symptoms lasted? If you have a child
who has never been a good sleeper, it is less
likely that his sleep problems are caused by
stress. On the other hand, if your child suddenly
begins waking in the middle of the night, crying
and complaining of nightmares, then it is
important that you consider stress as a possible
cause. If a symptom persists for a couple of
days, it may not be caused by stress, but if it
lasts for more than a few weeks, you need to pay
attention to it.
- How intense
are the symptoms? It's OK for your child
to complain of a stomachache before school--as
long as he attends school and comes homem without
further complaint. But if he says he can't get
out of bed because of of his stomach and begins
missing school because of his complaints, then it
is important to take him to the doctor. If your
child complains of a stomachache before school
and then as soon as he is allowed to stay home he
appears healthy with no further complaints, this
may be a sign of stress. You have relieved the
stress by allowing him out of school. Find out
what about school is stressing him.
- Do other kids
his age have the same symptoms? It's OK
if your two-year-old has trouble staying in his
seat at a restaurant, it's not OK if your eight-year-old
has trouble. It's OK if your three-year-old has
trouble separating from you, it's not OK for your
ten-year-old. Check with your doctor if you are
unsure of what is developmentally appropriate for
your child.
- How many
symptoms are there? Many times, stress
causes more than one symptom to appear. A child
in Stepping Stones was complaining about fatigue
and becoming irritable and withdrawing from
activities which previously gave him pleasure.
This combination of factors led his parents to
the conclusion that he was under stress.
The following is a list of
stress signals in children:
- physical symptoms
such as uneven heartbeat, shallow breathing,
teeth grinding or clenching, frequent urination,
headaches, stomach problems, restlessness, skin
blemishes or rashes, and poor appetite or other
changes in eating habits
- fatigue, insomnia, or
nightmares
- irritability or
crying easily
- compulsive behaviors
such as nail biting, hand washing or lip licking
- bragging, nervous
laughter, of shyness
- poor concentration
- general anxiety
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Teaching your child basic
s tress management techniques is the easiest way to help
your child handle stress. The following are a few methods
we have found useful for children of all ages. Some of
these techniques require guidance from you, and not all
of them may feel right for you or your child. Try those
that feel comfortable for you:
- Make sure
your child is not overcommitted.
Children need time to relax and play at home.
Prioritize your child's activities and drop ones
that are not necessary.
- Be proactive
against stress. Develop a plan to deal
wlith your child's potentially stressful
situations. Sit down together before a new
activity that might be stressful and formulate
and rehearse a plan.
- Take baby
steps. Help your child break down what
needs to be accomplished into small, manageable
steps. This technique is especially helpful with
homework, where each subject may need to be
broken down into parts.
- Set up
special time each day with your child.
Spend 15 minutes a day just to talk, following
your child's lead. If he doesn't feel like
talking and would rather play cards, then do what
he wants to do. He may talk with you when you
least expect it!
- Have a weekly
family meeting. Sunday evenings can be
good family nights to share a meal wlithout
distraction and share positive feelings about
each other. This is also a good time to problem
solve family issues.
- Make sure
your child eats well and sleeps well.
Feed your child healthy, nutritious meals and
snacks. Stress wipes out essential nutrients from
our bodies. Give your child predictable bedtimes
that allow them age-appropriate amounts of sleep.
- Get physical!
Any organized or individual sport--running,
walking, biking, karate--will help reduce body
tension associated with stress. Stretch all the
major muscle groups.
- TV/Computer--Stress
reliever or stress enhancer? Make sure
your child's television watching and computer
game playing are stress relievers not stress
enhancers. Just because your child wants
these mediums to decompress from the world does
not mean that your child needs
these mediums. Many TV and computer programs are
extremely violent and competitive. This can
easily increase your child's stress rather than
decrease it. Stay away from too much of either,
particularly if they are violent in nature.
- Manage your
own stress well. Cut back at work if you
can to be more available to your children. Try to
leave your stress at the office so you don't
bring it into the house with you. Maybe stopping
at the gym on the way home will work off some of
that ugly stress.
- Encourage
your child to express anger with words not
actions. Unresolved anger can be a
potent source of stress. It is not whether you
get angry but how you get angry that is important.
Your child needs to know that anger is OK, but he
has to learn how to express is so that others can
hear it. Practice with your child verbal ways of
getting angry. "I get angry when you....""That
makes me mad!"
- Role play
with your child before they enter stressful
situations. Practice with them ways to
respond verbally.
- Use stress
reducing exercises. Teach your child
deep breathing or help your child to
systematically tense and relax all major muscles
(progressive relaxation). Or have your child
close his eyes and imagine a pleasant trip or a
favorite memory. This technique of visual imagery
or "relaxing daydreaming" is a great
way to reduce stress. Your child might enjoy a
nightly massage to relax him and help him sleep.
Or if he does not like massage, try a "back
tickle", gently and lightly stroking your
child's back.
I encourage you to adopt
as many of the above exercises as you're comfortable with.
With a little diligence and practice, your child will
soon feel confident that he or she can more easily manage
the stresses in his life. Remember to embrace everything
your child does well. Praise direction, not perfection!
Cathi Cohen is the
director of In Step and founder of the Stepping Stones
Social Skills Group Therapy Program for Children.
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InStep
Articles
 This
section contains articles written by In Step staff, with the hope
that this can become a place for the exchange of ideas and a resource
to anyone interested in the many psychologically-based aspects
of life.
See our Newsletters Archive.
Social
Skills Self-help Book Available
Raise Your Child's Social IQ: Stepping Stones to People Skills
for Kids, written by Cathi Cohen, was recently released. The
book is based on the Stepping Stones Social Skills Group Therapy
Program for Children, and is designed as a self-help book for parents
who want to help their kids make and maintain friends. Copies may
be ordered directly from In Step.
Past Articles and Reprints
"A Totally Together Birthday
Party" by Cathi Cohen (Family.com: Washington Parent)
"Joining In and Making Friends"
by Cathi Cohen (Washington Parent Magazine)
Easing the Transition Back to School for Early
Elementary Students
Carolyn BonDurant, LCSW
Back to school time brings with it changes that generate both excitement
and anxiety for parents and children. Following a new daily routine,
meeting new people, learning the rules and expectations of a new
teacher, and finding one’s way around a new space are all adjustments
that children have to make at the start of a new school year. Parents
must also make numerous adjustments as their children head back to the
classroom, and they should keep in mind that starting a new school year
can be an emotional and stressful process for them as well. Following
are some ideas about how parents can ease their child’s transition back
to school to help everyone involved start on the right foot.
The week before school starts,
call your child’s teacher and ask if it would be possible to come in to
the classroom with your child to meet the teacher and learn a bit about
what the classroom routine will be. Prepare your child with some
questions to ask the teacher, such as: What are the rules of the
classroom? When do we have lunch? When do we have recess? Where will my
seat be in the classroom? How much time should I be spending on homework
a night? (Other questions may arise during the family meeting, discussed
below.)
Have a private conversation with your child’s teacher about the learning
needs and personality of your child. Be proactive about setting up
interventions to support your child, such as where your child will be
seated in the classroom, who he is sitting next to, whether your child
should be assigned regular duties to keep him busy, and the extent to
which your child will need to be prepared for transitions and changes in
the daily routine. Also establish with the teacher when and how you will
communicate with each other. Email and daily or weekly notebooks are the
most common methods for communication. Conveying a sense of support and
collaboration to the teacher is usually well-received.
Convene a family meeting at least a week before school starts to discuss
what changes will take place during the transition back to school. Bring
up topics such as homework times and after-school activities. Ask your
child what he is looking forward to about school and what he is worried
or wondering about.
School-week bedtimes should be initiated at least a week before school
starts and increased structure should be gradually introduced to your
child’s day. Have your child practice sitting in one place and staying
on task during activities, such as drawing, journaling, painting,
puzzling, reading, etc.
Normalize the experience of returning to school by reading
back-to-school stories with your child. Recommended books include:
The Kissing
Hand, by Audrey Penn
Chrysanthemum
by Kevin Henkes
Stand Tall Molly
Lou Melon by Patty Lovell
Arthur Goes to
School, by Marc Brown
Be sure to contain your own anxiety about the
school year starting, and convey a sense of confidence and excitement
about your child returning to school. By the first day of school, your
child should know the name of his teacher, where the classroom is in the
school building, and what the plan is for after school. On the first day
of school, be comforting but firm with your child about separating.
Avoid prolonged good-byes and permit the school staff to step in and
integrate your child into his new setting. Make sure that you set aside
ample time after school to talk with your child about how the day went
and to prepare for the following school day.
Motivation:
The Key to School Success
James A. Sebben, EdD, LPC
Your children are bombarded daily with the
influences of television and the media, other children,
other families, and the community. Research has found
that the most lasting influence is that of the parents
and that this applies particularly to the school setting.
Motivation is the key to learning. So the question
is: How do I motivate my child to be a successful
student? Linda Jones (Fastbook #315,
Phi Delta Kappa Educational Foundation, Bloomington,
Indiana) suggests the following ways in which
parents can help to motivate their children.
- Show interest in your
children’s learning. Ask about what
they are learning in school; ask to see their
papers, projects, homework, etc.
- Work with your
children in setting specific daily goals that are
achievable. Write out the goals and post
them in a prominent place and have the children
check off each goal when completed.. (For
example, if the goal is to finish homework by 7
pm, post this goal on the refrigerator and then,
if achieved, determine an appropriate reward for
your child like an extra half hour of television,
or having a friend over on the weekend, or
special time with one of the parents)
- Help your children
envision and formulate long-term goals. (For
example, if your child has a project due in
October, help them to set up a schedule for
completing the project on time and post it in an
obvious place).
- Instill in your
children the attitude that achievements are
usually the result of persistence and hard work,
not luck and ability.
- Show caring and love
if your children make mistakes or fail, and help
them see mistakes as opportunities to grow.
- Demonstrate through
your words and actions faith in your children’s
ability to learn and achieve.
- Look for successes in
your children’s efforts and acknowledge them.
- Model for your
children language that conveys positive
expectations, such as I can, I will, I want to, I
understand, my goal is, etc.
- Stress frequently to
your children the importance of learning and
education.
- Remember, what
you do with your children far greater impact than
what you say to them!
This is the first in a
series of articles about school related matters. Dr.
Sebben is a recently retired school administrator from
Fairfax County and has many years of experience working
with children with special needs. He is available for
consultation here at In Step.
Please
do not hesitate to contact In Step if you have any questions
regarding In Step’s services or our Speaker’s
Bureau at (703) 876-8480. |
