Rho Silberglitt, LSCW

Forty years ago, couples stayed together for the sake of the children. Divorce created personal feelings of guilt and reactions of shame and embarrassment. To divorce was to air one’s personal failures and entrust a court of law to assign blame to one parent or another. In the early ‘70s, as divorce became easier, the myth that children were resilient proliferated; what was good for the parents was good for the child. This new philosophy recommended that the parents not stay together simply for the “sake of the children.”

Today’s statistics are staggering. One million children will be the victims of divorcing parents this year. Fifty percent of those will be six or younger when they experience divorce. These statistics raise a question that should have been asked years ago: How are children impacted by divorce? It is widely accepted that when a child’s sense of security is threatened, any number of emotional and physical responses are possible. Although the impact of divorce varies depending on many factors, including the emotional state of the caretaking parent, most experts agree that children experience divorce as a major loss.

Change is difficult in the best circumstances and changes brought on by divorce can be terrifying for a child. Children need to be allowed to talk about their fears surrounding these losses and to be reassured that they will always be loved and cared for by both parents. Conflicts between divorcing spouses often escalate after the separation; consequently, some men and women become depressed and anxious. Seeing a parent in distress can exacerbate a child’s feelings of insecurity. If losses and fears are not addressed, they can provoke feelings of abandonment and rejection, resulting in a sense of concern for safety and security.

Another area of stress for parents and children is the formation of a step, or blended, family. Families need to accept, nurture, and welcome all family members. They need to look for creative solutions to celebrate the uniqueness of each member, accept and grow from losses, and be flexible. Children can gain love, self-esteem, and pride from a healthy step-family or experience anger, resentment, and feelings of being a second class member of a new family.

There are practical and emotional issues for both children and parents experiencing divorce that can lead to a variety of behaviors. A child may fly into a rage in a classroom because he is angry about a parent’s departure. The thought may be “Am I bad enough now that you will come back?” Another child may become the perfect child believing that good behavior will bring the parents back together. Some children are so preoccupied with parental conflict they become unable to focus on any task. Others have so much compassion for their parents that they become the confidante, the worrier, or the emotional support for the parent, at the expense of their own welfare.

Because parents tend to be focused on their own issues (finance, relocation, visitation and so forth), not to mention the emotional pain of divorce, it is often difficult for them to meet all the needs of their children. Parents may not want to let their children see them when they feel sad or angry. Often parents may not know what to say. Decisions concerning children are often made without any input from them. When children get overwhelmed with feelings and have no outlet, negative behaviors tend to emerge.

At In Step our goal is to offer a safe place to talk and express feelings. Groups providing children the opportunity to work through issues that they may or may not understand or feel unable to discuss with parents are appropriate during any stage of the divorce. Parents can also be taught techniques for providing their children with the best possible parenting, regardless of their own personal situation. Whether it is the beginning of separation or forming a blended family, the earlier in the divorce process that parents take advantage of this opportunity, the better the chance of a positive outcome for the whole family. Individual, couple, or group sessions provide an opportunity for participants to examine family issues they have encountered, share common concerns and develop problem solving strategies. We recognize how important it is for each person to have the opportunity to learn and grow through difficult stages of life in a supportive environment.

In many of my Stepping Stones parent groups, the parents ask questions regarding their child’s moral development. Does my child really understand the difference between right and wrong? How can I explain to my child that everything in the world is not fair? How can I help my child grow up to be an ethical individual? How can I help my child internalize the values that I feel are important?

I like to view moral development as happening in four stages. The first stage I like to call “Staying Out Of Trouble” and occurs roughly between the ages of 3 and 6. The second stage I call “But It’s Not Fair: and occurs during school age, 7 to 12. The third stage I call “Finding the Right Crowd” and corresponds to adolescence. The fourth stage is really the maturation of the young adult into the modern world, hopefully with the ability to act morally and make ethical judgements. I call it “Being Grown Up in the World”.

The child in the “Staying Out of Trouble” phase or moral development generally knows what the rules are within the family or preschool setting. However, the child does not yet understand why the rules are important or necessary. Since the rules are not internalized and are imposed externally by parents and other in authority, the child’s primary motivation to obey the rules is to stay out of trouble. Because a child in this stage of development is still very egocentric, rules are something to manipulate and get around.

As parents, there are many things that you can do to help your child in the “Staying Out of Trouble” phase. It is important to explain the reasons for rules and the consequences for breaking the rules. Why is it important to treat people kindly? Why is it important not to steal? Why is it important to tell the truth?

Another tip for parents with children at this stage is to use the power of positive reinforcement. Rewarding a child for exhibiting appropriate behavior increases the chances that the appropriate behavior will be repeated. Also it is much easier (and less painful to the parent and child) to use positive reinforcement than to punish a child for an inappropriate behavior. However, both positive reinforcement and negative consequences will be used in the course of parenting any child.

In the second stage of moral development, “But It’s Not Fair”, the child believes that everything ought to be fair. While most of the time the child uses this to exact revenge for some kind of hurt, this type of thinking can be used in reverse, inducing a child to be kind in the expectation that they will be paid back. The child in this stage understands that rules and consequences are important to keep the world running smoothly. However, they have a very difficult time understanding that the world is just not fair and that random negative things happen to us even when we do nothing to deserve them.

There are ways that we as parents can help our children come to grips with the fact that the world is, indeed, not always fair. It is important to teach your child that “fair” does not mean “equal” and that sometimes what is most important is giving someone what they need and not what they want. Active listening is an important skill for parents to use in this task. It will be much easier for a parent to teach this important concept if a child has felt that his feelings are understood and accepted.

In the third stage of moral development, “Finding the Right Crowd”, a child’s sense of personal value is dependent upon the judgement of others. They rely on the reflection of their behavior in the words or actions of others for an idea of what is right or wrong about their own behavior. The approval of peers and parents is very important to adolescents.

In this stage of development, adolescents are working hard to separate and individuate. This is necessary to create their own identity separate from that of their parents if they are to become independent and responsible adults. However, it can also be very painful as parents may watch their children reject their values in favor of what is currently popular with the adolescent crowd. If parents have laid a good foundation in the earlier stages of moral development, I encourage them to have faith that this foundation will withstand this phase of development. However, it is important to demonstrate integrity to your children – to mean what you say – since they are very sensitive to hypocrisy at this age.

Finally, continue to demonstrate unconditional love and to be consistent in discipline and behavior management. Obviously being a moral model for your child is important in any of the stages of moral development, as well as consistency and unconditional love. Finally it is important to respect our children and demand respect in return.

In summary, in each of the four stages of moral development, there are many things that parents can do to help their children learn how to make moral and ethical choices in their lives. Maintaining consistency in discipline, demonstrating unconditional love, being a moral model, actively listening to their children’s feelings, demonstrating integrity in their own behavior, being honest in answer important “why” questions, are just a few of the techniques used by successful parents.

Barbara Eckman is a therapist at In Step.